(*Much of this is taken from a personal journal entry written about nine yrs ago during a season of marital failure. Maybe you're in a similar season, or quite possibly something all together different. But whatever the season you may be experiencing, my prayer is that these words inspire, encourage and lead your heart to the One & Only Remedy)
If one more person tells me to trust You.... I simply don’t know if I’ll survive it. Better yet, if they’ll survive it. Because the truth is, when they offer me this piece of well-meaning advise, it feels like salt being smothered and smeared directly into my raw & bloody & open wound.
A wound infested infected inflamed with this gripping dark shame covering the internal pain of my heart.
And as much as I know their advise comes from a good place—from a rightful truthful helpful place desiring to steer my pain, my fear, my confusion, my heartache, my loss towards a destination of rest; asking me to do the impossible right now, in this here storm, is stacking further lead bricks of shame onto the already multiple existing ones.
So many bricks.
Their advise is reminding me it’s simply just one more thing, amongst the numerous others, of that which I’m incapable of doing— trusting You.
Asking me to trust You is causing more shame. Further pain. Deeper infection.
Because, how do I trust You when trusting others has proven to be unsafe?
How do I trust You when it looks like You’ve permitted this heartache?
How do I trust You when I don’t believe You could possibly still love me with all the wrong choices I’ve made?
How do I trust You when I don’t even know if You’re actually trust-worthy?
Asking me to trust You while in the typhoon of my life is causing me to sink further down into the pit of despair.
And I’m sinking Lord.
But I hold to one piece of advise that friend gave me. You know the one. The precious friend who oozed of inexplainable peace & radiated an inexplicable love.
She didn’t tell me to trust You.
She didn’t tell me to let-go & let-God.
No, Your daughter told me that Your love for me was beyond my limited comprehension. It was beyond my greatest imagination. It was beyond my deepest understanding.
She told me that You’re a God who leaves the 99 to find me.
To search for me.
To rescue me.
To restore me.
To love me.
She told me You hear & rescue me when I call to You for help (psalm 34.17.)
She told me You’re close to the broken hearted & rescue those whose spirits are crushed (psalm 34.18.)
She told me You don’t ignore the cries of those who suffer (psalm 9.12.)
She told me You’re a shelter for those who are weighed down with burden, pain, hurts, grief & loss (psalm 91.2.)
She told me You’re a refuge in times of trouble (psalm 9.9.)
She told me You heal the broken hearted & bind up my wounds (Psalm 147.3.)
She told me that You are love and You loved me first (1 John 4.16.)
Come to think of it,
She never did mention to trust You, God. It's quite possible she knew trusting You is impossible without first knowing Your incomprehensible, unimaginable, undeserving love for me, first.
In spite of what I’ve done, or haven’t done.
In spite of what I’ve thought, or haven’t thought.
In spite of what I’ve said, or haven’t said.
In spite of how unloveable I actually feel.
In spite of how unloveable I actually feel.
In spite of.
“Can anything separate me from the love of Christ? Does it mean He no longer loves me if I have trouble or calamity or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute or in danger or threatened with death? No. Despite all these things, overwhelming victory is mine through Christ who loves me! And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate me from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither my fears for today nor my worries for tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate me from God’s Love.” (Romans 8.35-38.)
She knew the secret component needed first in order to trust You, God:
A knowing of Your love for me.
It must start there.
And, I have this beautiful hunch God, it also ends there.
As I close this letter, Father, I'm hearing You gently whisper into the wounded places of the heart, "You don't have to trust me just yet, my child. But know this... My love for you was first, is first, and will always be first. If you allow your heart to receive that which is undeserved, you will organically sense the life-altering, life-giving, natural-byproduct of a trust in the One who's always worth trusting.
Because My love for you, even in your worst, is enough."
I love you, too, God,