These writings are for the imperfect person searching for more of the Perfect God.

Thursday, February 6, 2020

A heart check



Admittedly, in recent days God’s had to do a full-on heart check  in me. I'll just lay it out there... by default I've recently found myself ambushed with opinions + judgements.

They're quick, they're habitual, they're impulsive, they're unmeditated, they're instinctive... 

They're  d e s t r u c t i v e.

I’ve known they live & breathe & operate deep in the dark crevices of my heart, but I’ve subconsciously allowed them to stay awhile, get comfortable & take up residence because they've provided a false sense of control while living in an out of control world.

After all, if I can judge a situation, an issue, a person; then I can rely on my own understanding to come to a conclusion, that then makes me “feel,” well, less out of control.

From super bowl half time to the State of the Union Speech— we are a divided people. A divided Christ-following people. Christians attacking one another in broad daylight behind accessed technical screens.

Divided for sure. 

And yet, every every every every every single time I open up to read His word, the overall theme illuminated off His Divine undefiled powerful active alive pages — demands unity. Unity amongst believers.

U N I T Y.

There is no question in my mind that satan is having a field day.... no better yet, he’s having a field trip (field trips are way more fun than field days) with watching me judge, groan, complain... all while believing I'm truly standing for what God wants. 

I can’t help but have my heart brought back to Romans 10.2 which confirms I can have an enthusiasm for God, but it can be a misdirected zeal. Ouch.

All the while, satan is in the dark shadows creeping behind the scenes with his evil twisted perverted smirk across his dark face; thoroughly satisfied with the end result of his crafty plan.

I’m asking myself a question this morning as my heart sits heavy on the division of brothers & sisters in Christ:

What if I dusted off the pause button of the heart & pressed it for just a quick minute to vent my opinions + my confusions + my judgements +my thoughts+ my sadness+my fears+ my worries about the world; & brought them straight into my Fathers lap. Not horizontally for the world to hear, but vertically s.t.r.a.i.g.h.t into His lap. 

As I’m typing each of these words, I’m seeing His presence of Light dissecting, cleaning, purifying, cleansing —all my opinions .... & immediately I’m postured into a place of fall-to-my-knees humility before His all consuming presence of LOVE. The tight grip of my opinion begins to be relinquished one sweet finger at a time. 

Because love casts out all fear. (1 John 4.18)

A love that places a black light into the hidden places of my opinions. 

Because at the root of most my judgments + opinions, at least the ones yet to be fully immersed in the Light of Jesus Himself for a gooooooooood length of time .... is fear. 

Plain and simple. 

And with all vulnerability & transparency, while watching the half time super bowl show, I admittedly share I instinctively feared my daughter being inspired to find identity in her sexiness; I feared my little man would see women as lustful entertainment rather than equals who are to be mutually respected. This is where my mind went. 

Straight up fear. 

But instead of pressing pause on the half time show, instead of walking the ten steps it took to get to the chair I meet with Jesus in every morning, instead.... I chose to vent my opinion loudly + clearly into the precious ears sitting on our comfy family room couch next to me.

I wrestled with this half time show through out the night. It’s astonishing what God will allow us to wrestle with, lose sleep on, surrender peace over; when we haven’t yet brought it fully to Him. 

And so the next morning, experiencing sleep deprivation + exhaustion, I took my white-knuckled opinion/judgement/fear finally to Jesus. 

And it was there where he gently called an end to the wrestling match by One small but Mighty truth from His penetrating whisper :

“Joy, it isn’t your responsibility to judge the world.
 That. Is. Not. Your. Job. “ 
~1 Corinthians 5:12 

It’s not my job, it’s not my requirement, it’s not my obligation, it’s not my right to judge the world.  Paul, in 1 Corinthians 5.13 specifically says that God alone will judge the world. This football show never promised to live up to any code of conduct, morals or standards I may have placed knowingly or unknowingly on it-- God so kindly, yet directly shared with me.  Another ouch.

He didn’t make me, wire me, equip me to be a carrier of that kind of load, judgments can weigh. It will break me & place my soul in shackles —& not even know it.  Jesus came to bring life in abundance; to lighten my burden & to ease my heavy yoke.

Instead of being known for opinions of this world, what if I became known as a humble, passionate, powerful praying force to be reckoned with in this dark & confused & twisted world I operate in?--  To be taking my own innumerable defects of character to Him day by day by day by day.

What if instead of using that real fear I experienced for my son, for my daughter... I, instead, locked the door behind me, shut down the phone, dropped to my knees & brought it to God. Period. 

What IF I truly took Him at His Word & believed in His ability rather than my own?

If I could get just a small sneak preview into the power my prayers have to shake both the foundations of heaven & earth, I’d unhesitatingly forgo the judgement, the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the fear experienced from the world around me & joyfully receive Gods offer to take it & do what I could never do with His one.single.touch.

And as my husband always says smack dab in one of my many anxiety filled moments with his gentle eyes staring into mine... “It’s all going to be okay; after all, Gods got this.”

Exhale in. Exhale out.

Yes He does. 

♥️, Joy